Co-Parenting During the Holidays: Evidence-Based Tools to Reduce Stress & Support Your Family

Introduction: Why the Holidays Are Hard for Co-Parents

The holiday season brings excitement, but for divorced or separated parents, it can also increase conflict, anxiety, and emotional tension. 

• Schedules shift

• Traditions feel complicated

• Parents may have different expectations

• Children often feel caught in the middle.

Research shows that parental conflict (not divorce or separation itself) is what has the most potential for harm. Co-parents who communicate clearly, manage emotions, and work as a team can help their children feel secure, loved, and emotionally safe.

At LifeWorks Mental Health Counseling PLLC in Islip, our clinicians are trained in evidence-based couple and family therapy models. Below, we break down how The Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Imago Relationship Therapy can support healthier co-parenting during the holidays.

Understanding Co-Parenting Stress: What’s Really Happening?

Co-parenting stress often comes from:

• Unclear expectations

• Emotional triggers from the past relationship

• Fear of losing time with your child

• Differences in traditions or values

• High-pressure scheduling

• Guilt or grief around “splitting” the holidays

Evidence-based therapy models help parents identify the deeper emotional patterns behind these conflicts, not just the surface disagreements, so holidays don’t feel as stressful.

Theory 1: Using the Gottman Method to Reduce Holiday Conflict

The Gottman Method is a well-researched relationship and conflict framework. It teaches partners (or ex-partners) how to communicate without escalating tension.

Gottman Tools for Holiday Co-Parenting

1. Create a Shared Meaning System

Holidays are about meaning.

In Gottman terms, meaning includes traditions, rituals, values, and desires. Co-parents can reduce conflict by identifying:

• Which traditions they want to preserve

• Which traditions are flexible

• What the holiday means to their child

A shared meaning reduces power struggles.

2. Use the “Soft Start-Up” for Holiday Conversations

Gottman’s research shows that how a conversation begins predicts how it will end.A harsh start-up (“You never follow the schedule!”) leads to defensiveness.A soft start-up (“I want to find a holiday plan that feels fair and calm for both of us”) helps to reduce conflict.

3. Manage Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

Some holiday disagreements are solvable (logistics).Some are perpetual (values, religious differences, extended family dynamics).Gottman teaches partners to solve what can be solved, and manage what can’t (without blaming each other).

Theory 2: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Regulating Holiday Emotions

EFT focuses on attachment needs and emotional safety. Even after divorce or separation, co-parents still have attachment injuries and emotional triggers from their relationship.

During the holidays, these emotions flare up.

How EFT Helps Co-Parents

1. Understanding Emotional Triggers

EFT helps parents recognize that anger often masks:

• Fear (“I’m afraid my kids won’t enjoy the holiday with me”)

• Sadness (“This is my first holiday without my family together”)

• Hurt (“I feel replaced”)

Naming emotions reduces conflict and increases compassion (for yourself and others).

2. Slowing Down Conflict “Cycles”

Every co-parenting pair has a predictable negative cycle, such as pursue/withdraw, attack/defend, etc.

EFT therapists help parents identify the cycle and step out of it before it escalates.

3. Keeping the Focus on the Child’s

Emotional Safety

EFT emphasizes secure attachment.

When co-parents regulate themselves and communicate respectfully, the child feels safer and more grounded during transitions.

Theory 3: Imago Relationship Therapy for Communication & Repair

Imago Therapy focuses on understanding each other’s childhood wounds and how they appear in adult conflict.

Even divorced / separated parents can benefit from Imago dialogue because it:

• Deepens empathy

• Reduces blame

• Supports structured, calm conversations

• Helps each parent feel heard

Imago Tools for the Holiday Season

1. The Intentional Dialogue

Three steps:

1. Mirroring – “What I hear you saying is…”

2. Validation – “That makes sense because…”

3. Empathy – “I can imagine that feels…”

This structure is powerful for holiday planning because it stops arguments before they start.

2. Focusing on Needs, Not Attacks

Instead of “You’re trying to control everything,” Imago encourages: “I need predictability during the holiday because transitions are stressful for me.”

Needs create collaboration. Attacks create defensiveness.

Creating a Holiday Co-Parenting Plan Using These Three Models

Here’s how the three evidence-based systems work together:

Step 1: Clarify Traditions & Values

(Gottman Shared Meaning)

• What matters most to each parent?

• Which traditions must stay?

• What traditions can be flexible?

Step 2: Identify Emotional Triggers

(EFT Emotional Awareness)

• What makes each parent anxious or overwhelmed during the holidays?

• What does each parent fear losing?

Step 3: Use Structured, Respectful Dialogue

(Imago Dialogue)

• Mirror and validate each concern

• Identify a middle ground

• Create a child-centered plan

Step 4: Build a Parenting Plan That Works

This may include:

• Exact pick-up/drop-off times

• Which days each parent has the child

• Agreements about gifts, bedtimes, and extended family

• Plans for communication during travel or visits

When parents feel understood, cooperation increases naturally.

How to Know When to Seek Support from a Therapist

Consider working with a professional if:

• Conversations always turn into arguments

• Your child shows signs of stress

• Agreements feel impossible

• One or both parents feel too overwhelmed

• Old relationship wounds keep resurfacing

• You want a neutral, evidence-based guide

At LifeWorks Mental Health Counseling PLLC in Islip, our clinicians specialize in:

• Co-parenting support

• High-conflict divorce dynamics

• Gottman Method

• EFT

• Imago Therapy

• Trauma-informed care

• Parenting coaching

• Family therapy

We are an all-specialty practice, meaning our clinicians are highly trained and use research-backed methods to support families.

Conclusion: Support Helps You Create a Peaceful, Child-Centered Holiday Season

Co-parenting during the holidays doesn’t have to be painful. When parents use evidence-based tools, like Gottman communication skills, EFT emotion regulation, and Imago dialogue, they can create calm, predictable, emotionally safe experiences for their children.

If co-parenting stress is getting in the way of a peaceful holiday, our team at LifeWorks Mental Health Counseling PLLC in Islip is here to help.

We offer compassionate, evidence-based support for co-parents, families, and individuals. 

LifeWorks Mental Health Counseling, PLLC is: 

• Specialized in family & couples therapy 

• Located in Islip, NY

• Serving all of New York

• Offering in-person and telehealth sessions

Ready to improve your co-parenting relationship this holiday season?

Schedule your FREE consultation today and take your first step toward feeling safe and empowered in your own story.

We are honored to walk this journey alongside you.